Part 4: Healing and Recovery

It’s now been over 3 weeks since Little One was lost. I had thought my story was over, but I realized something important; I realized that the mental pain doesn't go away as soon as the bleeding stops. At this point I thought I’d be a lot better off than I am. I feel like I've reached my “quota” for feeling sad or depressed or panicked, so I feel uncomfortable showing it to anyone. This is a hard time for me because I do NOT feel better, but I feel like it’s been too long to act sad so I have to hide it.

I know from talking to a few people that this idea of a “quota” of sadness-sharing is not unique. I’m writing a Part 4 to help others know that they aren't alone if they aren't suddenly ok on a certain expected timeline.

I also have experienced a wide array of emotions, some of which have been uncomfortable or confusing. Again, I’m likely not unique, so I will share these too.

After my hospital trip I started recovering physically fairly quickly. I had the expected amount of bleeding and pain (about 2 weeks of a “period” with light cramps) and a lot of the pregnancy symptoms subsided. After about 1 week I felt similar to about 3 months postpartum with my son. At 2 weeks I feel nearly physically recovered.

At 1 week the emotional pain was acute. I had no interest in getting pregnant again, ever. I felt as though the idea of another baby (ever again) would be betrayal to the one I lost. Then a few days later I changed my mind… maybe another baby sometime next year, but certainly not soon.

At 2 weeks however, I was moving it up sooner. I started wondering when my cycles would restart. I started wanting to try sooner.  Then came the confusion. I wondered how I could possibly feel this way when 1 short week prior I was so sure I couldn't handle another pregnancy? What was wrong with me that I could be so ok with things, so soon? I felt a lot of guilt and had a hard time understanding myself.

Some of my dearest friends got together and bought me a lovely print meant for survivors of pregnancy loss. It’s a visual interpretation of the term “Rainbow Baby”, which really helped me understand my emotions. Here is the description taken from the listing on Etsy:

“This term is used in the babyloss community to communicate the fact that while a subsequent child is an amazing blessing, that child's life does not replace that of the one that was lost, just as a rainbow following a thunderstorm does not erase the storm's existence.”

I’m still not ready for another baby, but I’m ready to accept the fact that I will eventually be ready, and that is ok.

There are other uncomfortable feelings, too.

To be honest, other people’s pregnancies (especially ones close to mine) are very hard to see. I feel like a jerk, but this post is about honesty and sharing true feelings no matter how uncomfortable. Maybe someone can relate and feel like less of a jerk themselves.

I still have daily breakdowns. Usually they are mild panic attacks. Sometimes they are paralyzing numbness attacks. Sometimes I cry and can’t seem to stop. I know it’s only been 3 weeks but I really thought I’d have gotten it together by now.

I don’t share these breakdowns with anyone but a few close friends. I feel self-conscious for being “dramatic” or not “getting over it” fast enough. I don’t want to bum everyone out with my depression. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to get attention or perhaps judge me for being ungrateful for all I do have. I personally am sick of myself, so I feel like everyone else should be sick of me too. These are difficult feelings and I feel like I’m isolating myself because of them.

I'm pretty sure there is going to be a part 5 too... We decided today that we will probably name the baby and have a little service and burial. But we aren't ready yet. I never knew this was going to be so hard on us, and I certainly didn't foresee it emotionally affecting my husband as hard as it has.

Unfortunately this post doesn't have much of a moral. I suppose I just wanted to keep up the honesty. I feel like I “wrapped” everything up for publication way too neatly, and the truth is things are not wrapped up at all.