Part 2

 This post contains photos and detailed descriptions of an embryo. If you are sensitive to these types of photos or descriptions, do not proceed.

Part 2 

At 10 weeks 3 days, the baby was still inside me. I was drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea, taking Black and Blue Cohosh… and even had 2 rounds of Cytotec. My body did not want to let go.

But that morning I felt different. The cramps were worse. I left my husband and baby home and went for a jog (probably my third or fourth jog in my entire life) in the 12 degree weather. I felt like my body needed it.

I came home and compulsively cleaned for the first time in a week. I wiped down cupboards and cleaned toys. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was preparing for birth.

Then the cramps intensified. They weren't much worse than my worst period, so I wasn't alarmed. I was upstairs alone in my bathroom when I felt a similar urge to push as when I was having my son. I manually checked inside and felt a large object lodged in my cervix. Afraid it was the baby, I didn't want to pull too hard and dismember it. So I pushed and pulled gently until it came loose. It was not the baby, it was the placenta and umbilical cord.

I quietly put the placenta in the jar we had saved for this, washed my hands, and called my husband in. I calmly explained what had happened. We were in the process of getting ready to leave for a family outing when this happened, and my husband thought we should cancel. I firmly disagreed and said I wanted to go.

As he got reluctantly got dressed, I leaned against our bed, updating what had just happened on my phone with a friend.

Then a sharp pain, pressure, then POP. My water broke with a gush and I yelled loudly in shock and a little pain. I ran to the bathroom, and checked my pad. My baby had been born.

The next few minutes were a panic. I screamed at my husband, “It’s the baby! It’s the baby. What do I do? I don’t know what to do? Where’s Jim? He’s scared, take him away, I’m ok.”

He took Jim away and I scooped up the little baby into my hands. Her neck was thin and her head was almost disconnected from her body. She had big black eyes on either side of her head, arms, legs, and her skin was so translucent you could see her brain and organs. She had been decomposing for over a week, so some details were hard to make out, but you could still see her mouth and hands.

I just stood there with her in my hand, hunched over the bathroom counter breathing heavily. I didn't cry. I was just taking it all in. After a while, my husband came back after gating our son in his room.

He asked if we should put it in a jar. I said no, I’m not ready. I studied the baby for a long time. I turned her over on her side, touched her arms and legs, learning and observing almost scientifically. Still no crying, just awe. At one point I held her up to my husband and said, “I made this.”

Eventually I was ready. I got the miniature blanket I had made for her and laid her on it and took her picture. 

9.5 week embryo; on side, hands curled under chin, legs curled and crossed

We said goodbye and wrapped the blanket around her and put her into the box. We didn't know what to do next. Bury her? Where?  Now? None of these details had been worked out, and we had no idea how to proceed.

Finally I said that we should wait. The ground is frozen anyway. I suggested we put the box into the freezer and bury her when the ground thaws-- when we have a good idea of where to bury her and are ready to have a little service for her. So we put the box in the freezer, and then I insisted we still leave for our outing.

We went to dinner. We went to see Santa. The evening proceeded as normal, as if nothing had happened. I attributed it to the relief of no longer carrying the baby. The next day was Monday, husband left for work, and I felt better. I was sad, but did not cry. I felt glad that it was over. I was ready to begin healing.

I did not know that it was NOT over…